I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
