hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
