I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
