I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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