Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
