Banned from zoo.
Again?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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