ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
