u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
