He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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