you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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