Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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