you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
