we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
