Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
