I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
