my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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