I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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