Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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