He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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