I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
