I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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