I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
