She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
