my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
