My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
