Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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