I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
