what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
