my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
