Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
