hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
