When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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