Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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