i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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