Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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