i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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