Plan B is the new Plan A
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
