Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
