My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Holy shit dude........stairs
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
