Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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