I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i think my cat just said my name.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
