If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
