i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
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Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
