I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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