If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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