I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
