I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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