She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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