I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
