I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
